The First in a Series of Modest Proposals, submitted to the Legislatures of Alabama, Missouri, Louisiana, et al.

I take you at your word:  your intent is to eliminate abortions.

May I therefore suggest…

PROPOSED:  All males, upon reaching puberty, shall be provided a government-supplied vasectomy.

The vast majority of abortions are simply the result of unwanted pregnancies. As you lessen unwanted pregnancies, the number of abortions performed will likewise plummet.

Research clearly indicates that by far the most effective means of birth control is vasectomy. Not only are vasectomies almost 100% effective, but they in no way inhibit sexual performance or pleasure, and require no logistical pause before intercourse. They are also far safer, faster, cheaper, and less invasive than hysterectomy or tubal ligation.

Even more importantly, unlike those female procedures, vasectomies have the added bonus of being reversible.

So when a male decides he is ready to become a father, he can apply for a government-supplied vasectomy reversal. Of course he will be required to show proof of committed relationship and financial solvency, and he will need to document his partner’s consent before undergoing said reversal. These checks and balances only further ensure that unwanted pregnancies are avoided, thus eliminating abortion.

Once a couple becomes pregnant, the government will reverse the reversal. Truly, the out-patient nature of vasectomies makes them an almost perfect pregnancy suppressant.

The additional benefits of government-mandated vasectomies are far-reaching. For example, vasectomies at puberty will significantly limit those problematic “rape and incest” pregnancies that continue to be a stumbling block to your legal maneuverings. Of course this proposal doesn’t lessen rape or incest, but protecting women from assault is not your stated goal.

Furthermore, you will no longer have to entrust birth control to women. Vasectomies eliminate the need for mood-altering birth control pills, and no longer will women be able to “trap” men into fatherhood by “forgetting” to take their pills, or embarrass sincere public servants with claims of illegitimate progeny. Likewise you will no longer have to worry about the bad press of businesses applying for religious exceptions to not fund birth control, and the extra money in the pockets of women will result in more spending on shoes, make-up, and white wine, propping up our economy in these troubling times.

But perhaps the greatest benefit of this particular proposal… no more condoms. Men will never again have to pay the onerous price of sacrificing a fraction of pleasure for the sake of respecting their partners’ bodies and choices. The extra latex can be donated to hospitals for gloves, driving down medical supplies budgets and thereby lowering the prices of treatments for patients, alleviating the health care cost crisis.

​If for some reason this proposal strikes you as too invasive, as too much government overreach into private lives—though considering the bills you are currently championing I think we must be of like minds when it comes to the role of government—then I ask you to consider Proposal 2, to be submitted forthwith…