A key lime pie pilgrimage...

I moved to Florida almost exactly six years ago. Four years ago I was in a show, and the stage manager had a key lime tree in her back yard, and she would bequeath upon me BAGS and BAGS of fresh-from-the-tree key limes.

Obviously, I was morally obligated to turn such a treasure into pie. And discovered the best dessert ever anywhere for always and forever amen and hallelujah. 

So, just over two years ago, on my vacation through the Florida Keys, I embarked upon a key lime pie pilgrimage. I sampled seven different key lime pies in four days, asked probing questions, and just outside Mallory Square in Key West bought a cook book devoted to nothing but variations on key lime pie. I became a disciple. Nay, a prophet. Seriously. Ask anyone at work or in my family. They'll tell you.

The history of this sublime dessert is, like much of food history, a fascinating blend of opportunity, necessity, and ingenuity. It was the invention of sweetened condensed milk--meant to keep sailors and fishermen fed and calcified--that presented the opportunity. After devouring the contents, there was always leftover gooey goodness stuck to the insides of the can. Sailors would stuff shreds of leftover bread into the can, snatch a fresh egg from a nearby seabird nest, crack it in, squeeze the juice of the scurvy-battling and ubiquitous key limes over top, and leave that concoction out in the sun for a couple hours to, um, BAKE. And kaboom! Tart, sweet, custardy mouthparty.

Legend has it a certain "Aunt Sally" in the late 1800's on Key West codified this sailor concoction into an actual PIE, adding the graham cracker crust and whipped cream topping. Bless you, Aunt Sally. Bless you.

There are big-time debates still raging:  whipped cream vs. meringue, baked vs. no-baked, best crumbly crust component, etc. If you wade through my pie travelogue, your reward shall be my very own certified and approved basic key lime pie recipe, and perhaps I shall even reveal the secrets to my Jason Cannon-ized version... the Key Lime Colada Pie!

But first, the pilgrimage...

KEY LIME PIE #1, 7/31/16. Hobo's cafe on Key Largo. Whimsical, parfait presentation with the jar, and far less guilt when they tell you a portion of the pie proceeds go to a charity! The filling was well balanced with tart and sweet, but the graham crackers were simply crumbled and not baked with butter, thus no true crunch. But they graciously filled up my jar with another dosage of whipped cream once I was half way through. Bonus points for the little green key lime chocolate feet treats that go on top! Kept the jar.

KEY LIME PIE #2, 8/1/16. Mrs. Mac's Kitchen on Key Largo. Had this one for breakfast, yes, for BREAKFAST, after sleeping overnight in Key Largo, before zipping down to Key West. Funky Florida vibe. Had to let it soften a little--I'm sure I was the first to order it that day, it came straight from the deep freeze--but it was exactly what you think of when you think of key lime pie. No bells and whistles, perfect graham crust, but points off for canned cream. Whip it from scratch, it's not that hard! 

KEY LIME PIE #3, 8/1/16. Kermit's on Key West. Frozen pie on a stick! Dipped in chocolate. Was extra tart. My guess is they upped the lime quotient because of the extra sugar of the chocolate. Regardless... Fantastic. Front runner at this point.

KEY LIME PIE #4, 8/2/16. Blue Heaven on Key West. Abject silliness. The pie itself is good, not quite Kermit's good, and this experience confirmed that if forced to choose, I'm always gonna choose whipped cream over meringue. Holy fluffy gimmickry, Batman!

KEY LIME PIE #5, 8/2/16. The Key Lime and Coconut Factory on Key West. Waiting out some rain before a ghost tour. Limiest flavor thus far, and most "corporate" if that makes sense. But I powered through. Somehow.

KEY LIME PIE #6, 8/3/16. Hogfish Bar and Grill, on Key West. Yes, the hogfish sandwich is epic, but let's talk about this pie. Hogfish did a niiiiice presentation--notice there is no skimping on the whipped cream! BUT--they don't make the pie in-house, they get it from Key West Key Lime Pie Company. Not Shoppe, not Factory, but Company. And it was the best. An extra egg yolk or splash of lime juice or other magic juju resulted in the lightest of textures, and some devilish chef gleefully spiked the crust with cinnamon! Gah! 

KEY LIME PIE #7, 8/4/16. Green Turtle Inn on Islamorada. Almost a cheesecake texture, lighter on the lime but delightful with the berries, cream, and sauce. Most interesting variation was the macadamia and crispy rice crust. I like more tooth in my crust, 'twas a touch too soft, but the saltiness of the nuts was intriguing for sure!

Thus endeth the tour. And now, the payoff...

Hobos' Cafe

Mrs. Mac's Kitchen

Kermit's

Blue Heaven

Key Lime and Coconut Company

Hogfish Bar and Grill

Green Turtle Inn

FLAWLESS KEY LIME PIE
This is for a 9-inch pie. Tips and tricks included.
CRUST

• 10 Graham crackers, pulverized into crumbs, NOT a powder. Food pro works well. Or work out some aggression with a rolling pin. Add more crackers if you want a thicker crust. Easy place to play with flavors:  there are honey grahams, cinnamon grahams, chocolate grahams, they all work perfectly well. I know, I've checked. Heck, you can even use gluten-free grahams!
• 1/3 c melted butter. Most recipes will call for a full 1/2 c, but I just find that overkill. I wanna taste lime over cow, and there's enough dairy coming up. WARNING! If you do go gluten-free with the grahams, bump the butter down another tablespoon. Trust me on this. Gluten-free grahams bake differently, take moisture differently, and if your crust is too glisteny-buttery-wet when you pour in your filling you'll end up with a trifle rather than a pie. I totally still ate that trifle, scooped it into highball glasses and went to town, but only after shedding copious tears.
• pinch of salt.
• about 1/8 c sugar. I go turbinado. This helps off-set the lower butter quotient, as it's the butter and sugar that "glue" your crust together.
• Mix all this stuff together, press it into your pie pan, bake it at 350 for 10 minutes. If you have the time/patience, let it cool for a few minutes after taking it out, that allows the "glue" to harden a bit, and you end up doing a sneaky "double-bake" on the crust, resulting in extra crunch and totally avoiding any trifle-highball mishaps. You're welcome.

​FILLING

• 4 eggs yolks. Use the whites for a healthy omelet later or something. WARNING! If you go the no-bake route, for the love of all that's holy please use pasteurized eggs. If you go the bake route, use whatever eggs you want. Just preferably cage-free. 
• 1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk. I like Eagle Brand the best.
• 1/2 c key lime juice, but don't be bashful, you can splash in a little extra to taste without compromising structural integrity. I've found that simply juicing the entire regular-sized bag that crops up at Whole Foods and Publix when in season nets you the perfect amount of juice. Obviously nothing beats the real thing, but if you gotta go bottled, go with Nellie and Joe's. It's legit. 
• 1 T key lime zest.
• a splash of good vanilla extract. Most recipes omit this, and don't overdo it, but yeah. 
• Using either a hand mixer or your fancy KitchenAid stand mixer (mine is red!), sprinkle the zest into the yolks and beat the living heck out of 'em for like 15 or 20 seconds. Add the sweetened condensed milk, beat it again, but more gently. Sing it a song.  Add half the juice, and keep on gently beating. If you look closely, you'll see the acid in the juice start to "cook" the egg-milk mixture. Like ceviche. Chemistry! Add the rest of the juice and the vanilla and beat one more time. Pour this dreamy concoction into your baked (and cooled??) pie shell. Give it a couple love taps on the counter to release air bubbles.
• NOW! If you go no-bake, stick this sucker in the fridge for a few hours, or for as long as you can stand it. Overnight is fine. If you go the bake route, pop it back in at 350 for another 10-12 minutes. My preference? Baked. I just prefer the slightly firmer consistency and thicker texture, closer to custard, whereas the no-bake can gravitate towards pudding. And baked holds up better to traveling to grandmother's house and sitting out on the dessert table. Not that it lasts long...
• You don't need me to teach you how to make whipped cream or meringue. Just make sure to finish off your pie with something white and fluffy!

NEXT LEVEL ALCHEMY

• Crusts. You can sub in all sorts of things that crumble. Oreos. Pretzels. Nuts. Nutter Butters. Ginger snaps. Go crazy.
• If perchance key limes or key lime juice aren't available, here's your hack:  equal parts Persian lime juice (the typical lime in your market) and lemon juice. That's right, you just pull a Sprite! The combo of lemon-Persian lime eerily mimics the key lime. No one will know but you and me. 
• Dreamsicle! This is my father's favorite. Sub in sour orange juice for the key lime juice, go just a touch heavier on the vanilla extract, and oh my lordy it's like you're 11 years old getting all sticky on those orange push-up novelties from the neighborhood ice cream truck.
• While the basic pie above will never do you wrong, it is also surprisingly facile. I've done salted caramel with a pretzel crust, mocha swirl, blueberry meringue...
• But my signature version is the Key Lime Colada Pie, which I invented shortly after returning from the Keys. Oh. My Goodness. And if you really thought I was gonna divulge those specific details... well, let's just say I take that basic pie and refract it through boozy pineapple in three distinct ways. Cue the steel drums and tiny umbrellas.